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DAY 9
I am contemplating renaming this blog to Dreams from The Funky Anne Frank room because the past two blogs have been about my dreams. Well here is another one for you folks.
I only had about 2 hour of sleep last night because yet again we were startled from our sleep by Nazi noise! They came home after midnight making a hell of a rum pas and it caused the birds and dogs to go mad, completely mad. The Ginger Kid was able to fall back to sleep within 15 minutes time but not me. Oh no, I was up until after 3AM. It did give me the opportunity to read a few more chapters in my book so I thank the upstairs dwellers for that. When I did fall asleep I had a rather humorous dream. In fact, it was downright hilarious!
You see I am a big fan of the television program Modern Family and I adore EVERY character on that show, even baby Lilly. So last night my dream was much like an episode of Modern Family minus the opening "theme song". That was kind of a bummer because I love that little ditty.
Anyhow, the episode in my dreams was all about Cameron's brilliant plan to adopt another child so that baby Lilly would not grow up without a sibling. Mitchell was all on board until he met the child Cameron wanted to adopt and that child was. . . yours truly! Yes, in my dream I was me but everyone saw me as a child. Kind of like in Hot Tub Time Machine. The fellows were their 2009 selves but everyone else saw them as their 1980's selves. Clever fun.
Claire Dunfy was very nice to my face but she told Phil that she thought I might harm her children. Not harm them physically but mentally because according to her I was just a little too odd. Phil told her that was nonsense and she should relax and embrace the fact that "She's a really, really cool kid." A typical Claire rant ensued. Alex and I quickly bonded because she and I loved poking fun at Haley and her lack of intelligence. (sounds familiar) Luke was just Luke and didn't really pay attention to anything. In fact he spent most of the episode trying to get a prize out of his cereal box.
Jay thought I had good taste in music for a child and Gloria just adored me. Manny had a crush on me and had plans to woo me. I was just getting a kick out of the fact that I was in a MODERN FAMILY episode even thought I knew it was a dream.
Cameron and I were having a blast singing classic Showtunes and dancing about the house. Mitchell just glared at me a lot because I made him very nervous for some reason. He later told the camera that he didn't like me because I was too loud. I popped out and said "Loud?! I'll show you loud Carrot Top!" Then I started to sing songs from Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang. Well this prompted a debate between Phil and I about how the child catcher from that film trumps Freddy Kruger as the scariest child predator in film history. "Give me a whip and a top hat and I could do the same!" I said. Cameron then whispered to Mitchell, "she frightens me."
One morning I awoke and made a perfect breakfast for my soon to be parents, Cameron and Mitchell. Mitchell was very nervous about a presentation he had to do and I gave him a pep talk along with a snazzy new tie that I apparently bought with money I saved from my lemonade stand. It was then that Mitchell decided to adopt me. "I love that kid." he told the camera as Cameron wept and whispered, "me too, me too."
The morning of the adoption I woke up to the sound of loud techno music coming from the alarm clock and then I realized it was MY real life cell phone alarm clock and I really woke up. bummer.
The birds and dogs greeted me with their morning song at 5:45AM. So less than 3 hours sleep and I am ready for another day.
Another sunny, SUNNY day!
This picture sort of looks like The Cunt/Aunt Bunny
***DISCLAIMER***If one is familiar with the Eddie Murphy stand-up routine about his Aunt Bunny the title of this rant makes sense. All others must go to You Tube and educate themselves.DAY 8
Yesterday I kept busy with my usually Saturday morning cleaning but this time I had less space to clean. I had time to write, workout and plot my next move. I actually made it upstairs to prepare a hot lunch. You don't want to be up there for too long and wear out your "welcome".
Still it was lovely to eat hot food. You know one can grow weary of raw vegetables and matzoh.
Once the Ginger Kid came home after a hard days work, he ordered some food because it is just easier that way. Avoid conflict and don't rock the boat kind of shit. I thought about just opening the window and asking the delivery boy to hand the food to me but that might scare a young Asian lad so I went to the door as quickly as possible. Oh the upper level dwellers were all a twitter about us ordering food whilst they sat upstairs driving hard liquor and playing board games.
We ate our dinner and watched The Birds. In a way there could be some irony to that film choice but we just love that fucking movie, that's all.
Innocently we went to sleep and then, THEN the dreams came.
It started down the murderous path but then there was a twist. I was running for President of the United States of America and after I won the primaries, I chose Steve Buscemi as my running mate because the Vice President is the character actor or at least has appeared to be that way for many years now. Steve is one of the finest character actors of our time.
I won the election of course and I changed a lot of shit in The White House. A LOT. OF. SHIT. There was a house band and my State of the Union addresses always took place on Saturday nights when there really is nothing on television to watch. All seemed happy and bright. world peace was at hand due to my Mix Tape Mandate and then someone was ringing The White House doorbell. I got an immediate sense it was The Hostiles and I did not want to answer the door. They kept ringing and ringing that damn bell and then my husband, The First Man answered the door. Playing the role of The First Man was Mr. Big AKA Chris Noth. He wore snazzy blue pajamas and he looked elegant and HOT as his put on his robe.
Richard Alpert (a character from L O S T) was there to warn us that The Others were coming and they were pissed about the ice usage in the house. I shut the door but the doorbell kept ringing and ringing AND RINGING. All of the sudden one of Gabrielle Solis's (a character from Desperate Housewives) daughters, the youngest one was in my arms and I was choking her and begging her to stop the bell from ringing. She is not even an important character, she never says anything. All she does is look stupid like Carrie Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie. I am not sure of her significance in this dream but she did a fine job of looking stupid as I choked her.
Well, the bell noise was getting on my nerves and then I heard a very loud BANG on the Funky Anne Frank Room window that startled me and the Ginger Kid from our sleep. The bell was still ringing and the clock read 3:26AM.
My heart was beating very fast and all I could think of was "AUNT BUNNY IS COMING TO GET ME!"
Sure as shit I wasn't far off with that thought. The Cunt and Sammy Davis Urkle were out drinking with friends and the door was locked. Apparently it was MY fault. I never lock the front door because who would seriously want to break in. However, I was blamed and called some names. After unlocking the front door, we were chastised like children for locking the door and I was half asleep and in no mood to argue. I've been awake ever since.
Ahh it's always, ALWAYS sunny down here.
DAY 7
I retired at about 10:46PM last night and awoke at 1:53AM according to the clock. It's a good thing my partner in this adventure is a heavy sleeper because I watched a lot of movies, did some internet surfing trying to piece this whole Gary Coleman death thing together in my head (very sad) and then at about 3:17AM I thought I would do some laundry. Around 7:10AM I laid down to sleep and then I was startled from my sleep abou 11 minutes later by a barking puppy, the noisy flock of filthy ass birds upstairs and A FUCKING WEED WACKER!
Yes Sammy Davis Urkle was outside the Funky Anne Frank Room wacking the weeds. "WAKE UP WHITE PEOPLE!" was the message he was spreading. Asshole!
Ahh well, that's okay because last night in my short dream I killed the upper level dwellers of the household Lizzie Borden style while Gary Coleman was sitting on the front porch drinking Mountain Dew and eating something that resembled pork rinds but I'm not so sure. The funny thing is I did not feel bad about the murders, I felt I was just relieving some stress.
Perhaps all this was brought on because we watched Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and the Beguiled before bed last night. I am no dream expert but I have many theories. Tonight I think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory will be on the menu so I can dream of The Cunt blowing up like a blueberry, a shit filled blueberry because it really suits her so. However instead of having her juiced, I will pop her with pin.
Blueberry-Shit cocktails anyone?
