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day 342
I love to close my eyes and just disappear to a place that is not here. A place where I don't look this way, I don't feel this way and there is no judgement. A place that is all my own, and you are not here. I like to disappear every evening after all the mess around me has become too much. Too much is not a good place to be. The colors are all my own, the sound is never the same and there is plenty for everyone. I love to close my eyes and just disappear to this place where you're not here but you will return just like Christmas each year with gaudy fanfare and twinkling lights. Bells in the distance and you will be here. No fights, no mess, no lies or tears, just you here.
I beg you to please not ever go away but then I open my eyes and you are gone.
Back to the world with disgust until I can escape again with closed eyes, open mind and a pierced heart. Counting backwards from 10, like playing a game of peekaboo with an old friend.
I will always remember those days and wait for the moment when we can both just disappear.
day 341
I was going to blog about my Hoarder's experience from last weekend but it's kind of dull topic. What is really on my mind lately is something that has been on my mind for many years?
Why do people get drunk? I under the need to relax and escape your every day troubles, believe me, I understand that. But why alcohol? I mean there are so many better ways to escape the woes of your own little world. Movies, TV, music, getting lost in a good book or even those silly video games are far more better ways to unwind and escape. Getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk after the age of 22 is just plain silly when you think about it. I never understood it myself. I mean, I know why I used alcohol when I was younger but believe it or not, I grew up and realized it was just a shitty way to live.
I guess I have a real problem with folks who use and abuse alcohol as a means of escape. Growing up with an alcoholic father and watching so many friends destroy themselves with alcohol abuse I just can't seem to tolerate it. It's not cute or funny to watch someone get drunk. It's not even cute or funny to get drunk in my humble opinion. I guess I will never understand it. To me, someone who gets drunk for the sake of getting drunk is just an asshole, an asshole I don't have time for.
Other things. . . that royal wedding. I don't get it either. Who cares, it's not my business. I don't care for all the fanfare and protocol and the hubbub of it all. Prince William is a goofy balding fellow that I never had any interest in. He's not a Kennedy for fucks sake. (that was joke.)
While we are on the topic of weddings, so many people I know are getting married, or are married or they are having babies. I don't want to steal any one's sunshine but, those are two things that never really held my interest.
I don't ever recall wanting to get married, even as a little girl. When I was a child, all my friends would talk about their dream weddings while I was dreaming about accepted my Academy Award for Best Original Screen Play. (I'm still working on that movie)
I never wanted to wear a pretty white dress or even a gorgeous black one. I could care less about finding my Prince Charming. I 'd settle for a poet or a musician but I never wanted to marry one.
As for babies, that whole concept just made cringe. I love children, they are so much fun to hang out with and talk to but as far as having one, it's not my bag. I think I would be a horrible mother because I demand a lot of alone time and I don't care much for poopy diapers, and temper tantrums. If I did have a child I would want to adopt a 2 year old toilet trained child and once they turned 9 and were over the Santa Claus thing I would trade them in for another 2 year old model.
After age 9 children are boring. The magic is gone and they try to grow up real fast and then they become stupid teenagers and leave you. I'd rather have a goldfish. You feed them, chat with them, they eventually die, you flush them and get a new one. To me, they are the perfect pet.
I once had a yearning to be a mother when I was in my late 20's/early 30's. I even found a fellow who was willing to not only give me a child but he wanted to marry me too. That last part creeped me out a bit but I did want a daughter. I wanted a little human to raise the way I should have been raised. If your child tells you "No Mommy I don't want ballet lessons, I just want to tap dance.", listen to your child. If she says, "I really don't like Barbie dolls, I just want to play the drums like Gene Krupa, John Bonham or Keith Moon.", you really should listen to that child. Or perhaps when your child tells you, "I don't know why I can't go to a boarding school instead of a boring Catholic school.", you better believe you need to be listening to that child. But if your 4 year old says "We should go to that open audition in New York." LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD!
So yes, if I had a child I would be a much better listener than my mother ever was.
As for that man that wanted to give me the child well, I saw how he was raising his child from a previous marriage and I could not have him or his demon seed in my life. He was not a good father, and eventually that whole wanting to be a mother thing disappeared.
So, yeah, marriage and children, are just not for me. Even if Josh Holloway BEGGED me for his hand in marriage (after he divorced his wife of course) I would have to decline. Of course I would definitely do stuff with him, I'd be crazy not to, but no, we would not get married.
Even more other stuff. . .
Donald Trump, he's just a dick that needs to disappear for a while.
Michael Scott leaving Dunder-Mifflin on The Office was just sad. Andy and April on Parks and Recreation are still funny but very, VERY messy! I just don't like that whole messy thing, it's kind of gross.
I miss L O S T and Monk but I am jazzed about The Killing on AMC. Very good character driven drama.
I wish I had more money so I could buy some new shorts, socks and underwear. I need body wash too.
I am still sad about Japan and the recent tornado mess. It is just sad that I can't do more to help.
I'm looking forward to Lewis Black in May and The Monkees in June but I am not real excited about my Birthday. I don't get a whole lot of cards like I used to and I never really do anything fun on my Birthday anymore. I miss my 20's the most. That was an interesting time in my life. Not necessarily fun all the time but there were a lot of adventures. I met loads of interesting people and did a lot of cool things. A lot of friends died when I was in my 20's so that part was shitty but the good outweighed the bad and the music was OUTSTANDING! The stuff that is being made today is basically crap. You might find a few new things that impress you but overall it is GARBAGE and not the kind with Shirley Manson on lead vocals but the kind you find in your trash can!
I just don't have the strength to go through another election year in 2012. I am not that excited about politics at this moment in time. I won't give up but, my heart is just not in it right now.
I think health care should be free or give us, the people, the option to pay what we think the care is really worth.
I miss Scatman Crothers some days but I miss my dog Spookie the most. He was and will always be the only friend that really understood me. Sounds silly but it's true.
So yeah, those are things that are on my mind right about now.
What's on YOUR mind?
off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!
day 321
I have been in a Haiku mood lately. . .
Lack of Sleep Haiku's
cat in heat.
moaning in the night.
b.b. gun takes care of it all.
noisy birds tweeting above my head.
pass the febreeze.
fucking birds are dead.
snoring man.
i can't kick him anymore.
a fluffy pillow dangles over his head.
sleep well.
rolling desk chair so close to the stairs.
smear something slick on the floor.
bouncy, bouncy human.
rap music, crap music.
my head is in pain.
snip the computer wires.
ha ha.
off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!
