the Mental Olympics

day 99
Folks have often wondered what exactly I mean when I refer to "The Mental Olympics". The best way to describe it would be a battle of good VS evil in your head. When you're bi-polar you sometimes don't have the best thoughts about yourself. Even if you are a good person at heart and just a lot of fun to be with. That good sense of humor can easily turn dark and you just really hate who you are and you can't appreciate the good things that are happening. It does sound like an awful thing to deal with but eventually you see the light of day and move on.
As I enter the opening ceremonies of these Olympics, things are calm but eventually the self hatred will begin. Medicating yourself with music is perhaps the best thing. Once it comes to an end things certainly look brighter.




off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!

Maxed Out - Movie Trailer

day 96

A MUST SEE for all whether you're in debt or not.

You Don't Bake Me Brownies Anymore. . .

Day 90

How on earth did I last in this shit pit for 90 fucking days?!  That's 3 whole months, and I can't figure it out.  Usually when you reach the 3 month point of something you tend to want to celebrate unless you're in jail or working at a really shitty place of employment.  3 months and there is no celebration.  In fact, there isn't even any level of frustration, I'm just a little numb and actually handling things well today because I know it will soon be over.  We'll be out of here real soon, I can feel it.

Feeling good about leaving that helpless woman, the hostiles  and THOSE DAMN BIRDS behind me I get dealt this hand.  The woman whom I call mother says to me in a sad, meek tone, "How come you don't bake brownies anymore?"  It was a cry for help in a way because she knows the end is near.  No longer will she have me to rely on for such things as money, groceries or my world famous brownies.  I usually bake goodies when I either in a real good mood or someone in the house is in need of a reward such as brownies.  Neither of these things apply so there are no brownies.

However, now her sentence keeps ringing in my head and I am feeling a bit guilty for denying this woman of a high calorie chocolate treat complete with walnuts.  My head is now spinning and

I got a flash of what is to come in the near future. With all apologies to Neal and Barbara as well as Alan and Marilyn Bergman, the scene will play out much like their 1978 chart topping hit.

 As we part ways, a piano tinkles in the distance followed by the violins and the song begins. . .



You don't bake me brownies.  You don't make me mix tapes.

You hardly talk to me anymore
When I come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when you couldn't wait to tell me funny stories

Used to hate to see me glum; you're my only true chum

Now after laughing with me late at night

When it's good for you, Kate
And you're feelin' alright

You're talented and great, and your baked goods are so light
And you don't bake me brownies anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about the walnuts
But "used to be's" don't count anymore
The walnuts fall on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And Dawn Kate, I remember, all the things you taught me

I learned how to laugh, and I learned how to cry

Well I learned how to love, even learned how to lie

So you'd think you could learn
How to kiss those chocolaty calories good bye
So I won't bake you brownies anymore

Well you'd think I could learn
how to bake them myself

Just grab the ingredients off the shelf

You showed me how but I don't have your knack
I'm old and a little out of whack and
You don't bake me brownies anymore...

 
Yes this is what it has come too, I don't bake her brownies anymore and she only bothers with me when she wants something.  That evil beast Rasputia has torn the two of us apart out of sheer jealously.  Once I am gone, things may change between the two of us and who knows, I just might make her a pan of brownies as a small gesture to remind her that despite all this mess that has been tearing us apart for the past several years, nothing can change the way I really feel about our relationship. 
 
A pan of brownies can say I love you.

 
Off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day. . .

So VERY proud of my little sis!

DAY 89

i wish i was special. . .

day 87

Damien Rice's cover of Radiohead's Creep is the current theme song.

After a long talk with Ginger Boy last night I have come to the conclusion that I need to make more changes; positive changes. I need to start to not only forgive those that made me feel bad about myself but I need to forgive me. It's tough but I know it can be done.

off to enjoy another sunny SUNNY day!

namaste

she does not lie but I do

Day 84

Some days my life feels like the album that launched the group Hole into the mainstream eye entitled Live Through This.  It is a great album even if you aren't bi-polar. I found myself connecting to many of the songs when I first heard the album in 1994.  My life wasn't so messy back then but I  still had inner anger a brewing so listening to that album made me feel better.  If you have not heard the album, I suggest you check it out. Of course in order to enjoy it, you need to be a bit of a fan of Courtney Love's music and  I AM!  I just dig her and her music and man I am envious of the discipline she has that keeps her body in stellar form. 

You don't need to be a fan of Courtney because most folks just don't get her, but I do.  I know to some, she is completely off her rocker and they find her to be a disgusting human being but when I look at her, I see someone I would love to hang out with.  Shit, I could be her BFF* if she'd let me.  I could learn a thing or two from Ms. Love, I think we all could.  She has spunk and heart and I bet she would be a blast to go Christmas Caroling with. 





 I feel comforted by the fact that her personal life is a little bit more fucked up than mine and yet I can totally empathize.  Courtney gets a bad rap because what is going on inside of her shows on the outside, she can release all that rage whether it be in song or just getting onto an airplane.  Courtney frightens people. She releases that rage all too often and I feel that it is so good for her because after she releases it she can enjoy life. Me on the other hand, I am kind of wimpy when it comes to that shit.  The rage comes out in writing and of course Ginger Boy is an eyewitness to a big chunk  of it at least twice a week.  Lucky him!  Keeping all of that stuff on the inside is not good for ones health, hence all my weird medical issues. But like a big dummy I still do it and pay for it later. 






 I have dreams of going on a major rampage and just letting the world see my insides.  Not my guts mind you but the scary, angry shit that goes on inside of me on a daily basis.  If I were not sensible, I would be an alcoholic or pill freak just so I could let it all out.  Chemicals give you courage.   I just keep it all under control as long as I can and then it oozes out slowly until it blows up right in this room.  The rage is afraid and hides behinds walls, the walls of  my body and the walls of this room.  If I were to let it out,  I took would suffer the judgements that Ms. Love does.  I say I don't care what folks think about me but I am wise enough to know that I don't want to be locked up in some hospital.  I did a week long stint in a hospital like that  many moons ago and although it provided me with great stand-up material,  it's just not a place I want to return to.  I felt trapped during that week and  the sound of  doors locking behind me still haunts me.   So keeping it all in keeps me out of the nut house.  Maybe I'm just gutless.



Like a good little girl,  my rage is silent.  A lie here or there letting the folks who love me think I am "just groovy" or "it could be worse" are my way of dealing with it.  I figure if I say it out loud enough times through out the day it just might come true.  I think it was Tony Robbins or Stuart Smaley or one they many positive affirmation peddlers out there that said,  "if you say it, then it will be so."  Well, FUCK THEM!  Because deep down inside I know it's not so!  Just this morning I mailed some notes to acquaintances, not close friends, but folks I enjoy talking to and meeting for a lunch date now and then and I lied to each one of them.  I let them know that everything is just fine and dandy in my corner of the world.   Of course it was a stupid move on my part because these are the folks who have the direct line to god and pray more than Mother Angelica and her Merry Band of Nuns that I see on TV while channel surfing.  Maybe if they knew, they'd pray for me and things would be just fine and dandy.  HA!




All my joking is not going to make me feel any better and neither is a pack of prayers.
 If I were Courtney Love or at least like her in some way, all of this shit would make sense.  She has the balls to let it all hang out and I actually admire her for that.  To me, she is a real person.  I myself am not so real and that pretty much sucks.  Folks  that know me well, know I am a barrel of fun to be around and I find humor in many situations and try my best not to be a drag and bring them down.  I am glad they don't know the level of pain I am feeling because those that care  I mean REALLY care might be upset. Looking at it from another angle, one might say all this lying I do is causing all this bad shit to happen.  You know, Karma and that crap.  Face it, I am a liar!  Just like the Miss World song, I AM the girl you know, I lie and lie and lie. 
Courtney Love speaks the truth  and it gets her in trouble with the world, I lie and it only gets me in trouble with myself. 




Ahh well, I am just a whiny baby and I should get over it. I made my bed, I'll lie in it, and I made my bed and I'll die in it and one day, just maybe one day I'll grow and pair, have a full on rage in public and I will be a You Tube sensation for about 15 minutes.

Off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day.






* I hate that term BFF, I don't have BFF's because everything is temporary.  Is that Courtney Love enough for you?*

THOSE DAMN BIRDS!

day 71

I dig animals, they're pretty cool creatures. Fish and dogs are my particular favorite and for some odd reason I have a soft spot for chimpanzees and owls. Ducks are cool too.  I am not a cat fan or a fan of guinea pigs. They are cute but annoying but I don't hate them.  Kind of like this girl Lexi I once knew, cute but annoying but I don't hate her.  Anyhow, I don't care to see harm come to animals, and I'm even a vegetarian.  However, lately I have had murderous thoughts about birds. Not so much the birds you see flying in the air everyday that greet you with a cheerful song. No, those birds are magnificent, glorious and amazing creatures. I am talking about THOSE DAMN BIRDS upstairs!  ALL EIGHT OF THEM!

They call this one Alex but I call him Assface!
He makes the most noise out of all of them.

Fucking yakkty-yakkty parrots and cockatoos and whatever the fuck else they are. I hate, I mean hate THOSE DAMN BIRDS! They wake me up every weekend at quarter of 5 the fuck AM! I am an early riser all week long so I up before the birds but on Saturday I prefer to sleep in until at least 7AM and Sunday I like to go for gold and hit the 7:30AM mark but I can't!  I can't sleep in as long as those birds are alive.

What the hell is so cuddly about this thing named Herbie.
She's wearing a Snuggie and cuddling a fucking bird, that's just sick!

I've imagined myself spraying massive amounts of my Mr. Clean with Febreeze all around their cages so they slowly slip away. I could slip pieces of avocado or some holly berries into their organic food mix that Rasputia (that's what I call The Cunt, Rasputia. She's a character from that stupid Eddie Murphy movie Norbit) makes for them every 3 weeks. That organic shit smells like farts and yet it looks tasty. Raw onions, chocolate, apple seeds or any type of candy will just plain kill them. Trust me, I Googled it. I just typed in How To Kill Birds a few weeks ago on whim and I found a lot of lists and other useful information.

Part of me has felt a bit guilty for having these thoughts but good God in the Mid-West you don't know what it's like. The noise is unbearable, there is nothing pleasant about it. I can't imagine how the hostiles up there sleep through all that noise. Then again, I've heard the music they listen to so I guess any sound would be better than that. Nickelback and Hollywood Undead kiss my ass.

I named this one Lunch.

What disturbs me the most about THOSE DAMN BIRDS, is that now when I see animals, any animal I've become sort of apathetic towards them. Even at Isaac's the other night I was just not into the ducks, geese and egrets. As we sat on the terrace close to the covered bridge enjoying our dinner, Ginger Boy and I watched the ducks and geese and he was into it but I was like "eh, they're alright. I mean, I like them I guess. Anything is better than THOSE DAMN BIRDS!" A few weeks ago when I was there on my Birthday I got a real kick out of them but now, I don't give a shit.

He gives the Muppet a bad name.

Here's Dinner!

   





Often I wonder what would occur as those birds slipped away one by one as I sat back and watched my master plan unfold. The hostiles world would crumble, CRUMBLE I tell you. But I dare not commit such a crime and it's not because I would have a guilty conscience, it's because all fingers would point to me and Ginger Boy and then all hell would break loose in this craphole of a building.  It would be more than we could handle.

Uncle Sidedish looks harmless but watch out, he sounds like Richard Nixon.

So in order to deal with my frustration of being startled out of a sound sleep so early in the morning during the duration of my stay here, I just play the Tom Leher classic Poisoning Pigeons in the Park at a very LOUD volume each time I am woken up so early. Hey, if I am up EVERYBODY else needs to be up. I learned that trick from The Captain at an early age. Yeah, I am still dealing with my ACOA issues.

Sadly, those fuckers could sleep through the Apocalypse but it does give me a warm comforting satisfaction to know that I am being an asshole at 4:45AM on Sunday.     

She reminds me of a drag queen I once knew but that queen
knew when to SHUT THE HELL UP!

Off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!

Say goodnight Gracie.  GOODNIGHT FOREVER BITCH! 

**DISCLAIMER** all bird photos were swiped from Raputia's facebook page.  I would not lower my standards to take pictures of THOSE DAMN BIRDS!