Bill Murray Was Teeing Ground This Weekend

day 441

 *All names of regular humans in this story have been changed to protect the groovy. *

The weekend after the suicide attempt back in May wasn't at all bleak like some might have thought.  I did a lot of thinking and that soul searching shit you hear about in books and movies.  I   I  contemplated what was important and had a stupid Oprah "ah ha" moment while watching Bridesmaids with a gaggle of good friends.  I decided that I needed to get the fuck out of town and just do something I wanted to do.  Of course I never have the money to do what I want to do and that is why I put off important things like buying new shoes (I only own 2 pair and one is for winter.) and making sure I always have my medication or treating myself to something I really don't need.  I thought the last one was the most important so I chose to go to New York the weekend before my Birthday.  I always ask Ginger Boy if we can go to New York so I can visit some friends and just have fun.  But Ginger Boy never has the time or the money for such an adventure.  I could go on my own little vacation but sometimes it's nice to go with a friend.  I chose my partner in crime, Sassafras.  I've know Sassafras for almost 6 years now and she is something else.  Very smart and pretty, funny as all get out and just someone you can trust.  I have major trust issues and Sassafras has never let me down.  She is always there when I need her and I am blessed to have such a person in my life.  Of course she has her faults like everyone else.   She doesn't like The Beatles or Pixar films and she votes Republican so it's hard to imagine the two of us being friends, but we are and she is slowly accepting the Pixar films because she has a young child.  She's also THE most liberal Republican I have ever met if that makes any sense.    We just don't talk about The Beatles or Santa Claus.  She was NEVER a believer in Santa and that makes no sense to me.  Again folks reading this are wondering how on earth I could hang with this chick.  If you ever met her, you would know why.  SHE'S FUCKING FUN MAN!!!!

So on day 418 Sassafras and I caught the train to head to New York City.  I am not a fan of being confined to a small space for a long period of time so I usually just sleep. Unless the movie or performance is really good,  I don't like to sit a whole lot and sitting still is THE WORST !  It's probably one of the reasons I never took to church services or desk jobs.    Before we hopped on the train I had a million thoughts going on in my head about everything.  I stopped in the ladies room and was confronted by this sign in the stall.

Bathroom room stalls are always chock full of words of wisdom and phone numbers.  I took this as a signal that this weekend was going to be a real thrill and perhaps another key moment in 2011 for me.  I was on my way to see Lola and Taffy and I wanted to eat Shopsin's Macaroni and Cheese Pancakes.   This was some sort of message to me and far better than anything one might discover in a fortune cookie.  On a side note I have a friend who claims that fortune cookies are dead to him.  That makes me very sad but that is a blog for another time.

As Sassafras and I boarded the train images from the movie Super 8 were in my head but I dare not share that information with her because she already had it embedded in her brain that something awful might happen.  She said it more than once and it was all because of her worrisome mother.  Let's just call her Joan.  Don't get me wrong, I love Joan, Joan Jackson but she really needs to stop getting Sassafras all bent out of shape over a visit to New York.  I mean she was going with for Pete's sake, what could possibly go wrong.   I settled in my seat for a nap with some tunes while Sassafras read.  We were traveling backwards which I found humorous since the town we were leaving is the one you would travel backwards too because IT IS so backwards compared to a mecca like New York City. 

Thoughts of New York drifted though my brain as I fell asleep.  Why do I love it so?  I guess it's because I feel so damn normal in that place.  I fit in among the freaks, weirdos, homeless and hipsters.  They don't give me a second glance and that is just the way I like it.  I don't purposely go out of my way to stand out of a crowd yet somehow I always do.  Some people work so hard at standing out among the civilians and I just try my best to blend in and lay low but it rarely works.  I only want to stand out on stage because that is where it matters.  Two more reasons I dig NYC is all the history and it is also the Land of Snapple.   Oh Snapple, that glorious drink I love so very much.  I think Snapple should be free for those that love it.  If you like it, you should pay for it but if you love it, it should be a gift.

After a 3 hour journey we finally arrived at our destination, Penn Station.  The best way to describe that place is like a sweaty hot food court.  I  had yet to see a Snapple but I could smell them in the air.  I could however see and smell one of my favorite foods, popcorn.  I am always cautious about purchasing popcorn because some corns have a chemical or overly salty taste to them.  So I didn't buy any.  Once we were above ground and waiting for Lola, I realized that Macy's was directly across from us.  Santa!  I love Santa Claus and I always will.  Just like Bill Murray, Santa gives me hope, guidance and that sense that everything is going to be just fine.  A lot people get that feeling from God but it hasn't happened to me yet.  I'll stick with Santa Claus and Bill Murray because neither one has ever threatened punishment for mistakes that some call "sins".

In your life you always have someone, a friend,  you consider to be the adult even if they don't always act like one.  They are older, wiser, and not afraid to tell it like it is.  If you don't have one of those friends, I weep for you.  For 22 years I have know this woman called Lola and she just sparkles, literally!  I mean the woman likes to wear glitter at an age when most ladies like to tuck their comfortable t-shirts into their knit pants and join the P.T.A. Lola would never wear pajama jeans but she might buy you a pair as a gag gift.  I think this is just one of the reasons I enjoy spending time with her because she is so much damn fun to be around.  I guess she's like the big sister I NEVER had.  Face it folks, I NEVER had a big sister. I never had someone to give me advice or to tell me that I was wonderful when I felt shitty.  I never had someone in my life that  would just start singing for no reason at all, she  just did it because liked to. Oh I had dreams of a big sister who would be this way and dig a lot of the things I dig and would like me for me and not like me because she had to.  Lola is that big sister!   Wild, wonderful, sometimes wacky, so very wise and a celebrity in her own mind. My kind of person and she adds so much color and flavor to this world.   Who the hell wouldn't want to spend time with her?!  Maybe Fred Phelps but he has some issues.

Lola arrived with a cold Snapple in hand just for me.  You can see why I like that woman.  We trekked to the car where her husband Jazz Man was standing.  Jazz Man is a very unique soul.  He is a lot like Lola just a little calmer and very kind.  You can just look at him and see the kindness in his eyes.  Hopping in the car with them was almost as thrilling as being in The Cash Cab.  There weren't any trivia questions to answer or potential cash winnings on the line but we learned a lot and saw a lot.  Jazz Man knows a lot shit and what he doesn't know, he makes up and that's why he's a barrel full of fun.   I was totally jazzed when we pulled along the curb to get some grub at this Indian place.  I didn't get grub because I was too excited to eat and plus I am not a fan of the Indian Cuisine.  I was just excited to be right next to the Comedy Cellar that is in he opening credits of Louie on the F/X channel. BIG FAN OF LOUIS C.K.!  I get really excited about that type of shit.    Those around me could have cared less and that's okay. I walked on the cement that Louis C.K. walked on and it was wonderful!  

We headed towards Brooklyn where Lola and Jazz Man live and I forgot they had pets. Two cats and a dog.  Cats don't really excite me because to me  they aren't very lovable or entertaining.  They also tend to make me itchy so I am not a cat person.  Dogs on the other get me and I get them too.  They are lovable creatures and can really put a smile on my face.  His name is Sam and immediately I was smitten.  A big puppy with a black shiny coat and sweet soulful eyes.  I could see the pain behind the eyes.  He was well loved but he needed to roam free.  Oh if I could have taken him home I would have in a heartbeat.  It's been almost 7 years since my Spookie died and it is time for me to have a dog.  A real dog to play with and walk with and watch movies with.  A real friend.  Humans make good friends but sometime a dog is just a little bit better.  So this was a good start to my weekend. 

Sassafras and I went outside with Jazz Man and Sam because Sam needed to do what dogs need to do outside.  Sassafras and I needed to do what silly smokers do, "waste our money!" as Taffy would say.  Whilst wasting our money, I spied with my little eye something that I thought rhymed with Booker. She asked us for a Lucy and I was half tempted to say "Well, actually I am more of an Ethel and sometimes I am just plain Fred."  However, I was cautious because I thought she was a prostitute who may have been into boys, girls and dogs.  You never know, stuff happens and I had no clue what she meant by Lucy.  Then she explained herself and said she was looking for a cigarette.  I am always happy to oblige in these situations because one of my Christian friends tells me you should always help those in need.  Think of that person in need as Jesus. I also know you don't fuck with The Jesus.  I learned that from The Big Lebowski.  So I thought of this hooker and Jesus (not The Jesus) and Jesus wanted a smoke.  I gave her a smoke and Sassafras provided the light so we both were sharing what we had with this pseudo Jesus Christ Hooker Lady.  Later I learned she was not a hooker just a rather nice immodest young lady who liked to wear stripper shoes.  Well good for her!  I wonder what Joan, Joan Jackson would think of this situation. 

I have sleep issues and sleeping in a different bed in different state never works for me.  It's more of a nap than actual sleep.  Some of it has to do with the diabetes and some of it has to do with the bipolar shit and maybe it's just the way I am designed.  Who knows??!!  I just know I never sleep well on vacation.   So I napped for a few hours and woke up to the sound of silence.  Seriously!  In Brooklyn at 5:14AM is was rather silent and I was rather surprised.  The beauty of it all was that I was not woken from my nap  by the horrible sounds of  Those Damn Birds!  Oh it was magnificent, simply magnificent!  I was able to hang with Sam and read my Bible (Entertainment Weekly Magazine) in silence.  Jazz Man made me some tea and gave me an apple.   Sassafras and I took another money wasting break out back among the garbage cans and we met a nice fellow named Pete who invited us to his Birthday party that evening.  Now it took a few moments to size up Pete to know that there would be no Birthday cake or fun party games at this event.  He was a decent fellow but I had the feeling this was going to be a strictly adult drinking affair.  We kindly said thank you and moved on to the next activity.

I had 4 goals for this vacation.  
1.) Drink a Snapple
2.) Eat Macaroni and Cheese Pancakes at Shopsin's
3.) Visit The Little Lebowski Shop
4.) Eat Di Fara's Pizza to see if it the best pizza in America

I also wanted to buy some postcards and get a bagel too but if those things did not happen I would be okay.  With the Snapple goal already achieved we headed to Shopsin's.  Shopsin's is a little eatery inside of Essex Street Market on the Lower East Side.    It's better than your average farmer's market because it has a lot of "good for you" foods that I enjoy.  However I was not there for that shit, I wanted junk in the form of Shopsin's famous Macaroni and Cheese Pancakes.  I learned about these pancakes after watching this documentary called I Like Killing Flies.  I didn't want to meet the owner, Kenny , I just wanted to eat his food and if I saw him there that would be good too. 

He has all these rules and if you break them he will tell you to "fuck off" and kick you out of the place. This is the way all businesses should be run in my humble opinion.  Normally I like to test people and bend a few rules but on this day I was happy to follow the rules because it would mean I could have The Pancakes.  Oh those pancakes, I read stories about them so I could only imagine what eating one would be like. I am not even a big pancake eater but I am so curious as to how a pancake with glorious macaroni and cheese would taste.  Pretty darn good I would think.    The line to wait for seating was a long one so Lola said she would save our spot while Sassafras and I went to get something to drink. 

The Pancakes

Sassafras took this photo not knowing it's against
the rules.

 The hunt for another Snapple was on but sadly I did not find one.  I did find Taffy.  I have known Taffy for as long as I've known Lola. 

Sassafras has BALLS!

Chronologically she is younger than I am but mentally we are about the same age.  She might even be older.  Taffy is another one of those people that come into your life and never leave because you not only have a lot of shit in common but you can lean on each other when you need to.  Plus not having her for a friend would make my life very dull.  So Taffy was there and the friendship circle was complete, on to The Pancakes.  We split our Party of Four into two parties of two.  I had not seen Taffy in over 14 months so I sat with her.  She was kind enough to inform me that she would not order eggs.  This is just one of the reasons why I love her.  We ordered and chatted and Kenny Shopsin loomed in the background.  He sat down in a chair so very close to our table and took a short snooze in between cooking.  Taffy had no clue what was going on so I told her I explain "The Rules" as well as give her a brief history of Shopsin's General Store to her after we ate and were outside.   Then The Pancakes arrived.  They were nice to look at and they smelled decent but would they taste as good as I had imagined.   OH HELL TO YES THEY DID!  If I had a Diet Peach or Raspberry Snapple with them it would have been the perfect meal.  No words can describe it, you're going to have to go try them yourself.   While I was enjoying the symphony that was occurring in my mouth, Kenny stood in the kitchen spatula in hand and was watching my every move.   I did not put on any sort of show, I just keep my eyes on Taffy as she spoke and I kept on enjoying The Pancakes.  I guess it would have been cool to be thrown out of Shopsin's but not while I was eating.  So I basically behaved myself and wished my male partner in crime, Troy was with me, Abed to enjoy the moment.

With two of my 4 goals achieved I was ready to do whatever it was that Taffy and Lola had planned.  Lola runs this thing she likes to call Fancy School.  It doesn't take place in actual school, It takes place in her head and she really enjoys teaching people how to be fancy.  I don't mind being fancy every once in a while but I'm not the kind of girl who goes ga ga for make-up and shoes and pretty clothes and all that stuff.  It's fun to dress up sometimes as long as I don't have to wear pantyhose.  I hate those things!  Let's put it this way, if I were a children's storybook character I wouldn't be Fancy Nancy, I am more like Junie B. Jones except I hate egg salad.  (By the way, I LOVE both of those characters very much.  If you have the time, read one of those books and you just might like them too!)   So if Lola wants me to be fancy then I will be fancy because I enjoy having fun. 

Speaking of "fancy",  we found a pharmacy called Fancy Pharmacy and Lola made us pose in front of it.  I opted to play the "Reluctant to be Fancy" character for the photo but I was not reluctant, today I wanted to be FANCY!  Then after much walking and dog petting (Lola is a big dog lover.) we stumbled across The Little Lebowski Shop which was number 3 on my goal list.  The fact that we were doing things in order was very good.  My life is constantly in chaos as many of you may know so a little order now and again is helpful.   Taffy was the one who told me about The Little Lebowski Shop back in June and I have been counted the days until this very moment.  I knew it wasn't going to be as  cool as the film The Big Lebowski but I thought it would be a groovy place to check out.  It met my expectations and that's always nice.  

 The owner was wearing his pj's and he was very friendly and helped me find a shirt.  I wasn't going to buy anything because I always need money for real stuff, the stuff I need and not the stuff I want.  However, I considered it a Birthday present to myself.  It's been a long ass time since I treated myself to present and Lola did make a good point that buying it on line would not be the same as buying the shirt from the store.  So I made the unnecessary purchase and guess what, the world did not end.



The store was full of t-shirts and bobble heads and other film memorabilia along with some clever staging like the toilet full of items, a wall of film quotes, cardboard cutouts of some characters, a blow-up doll suspended from the ceiling and the fake bowling lane at the back of the store.  The very friendly clerk told us that Jeff Bridges AKA The Dude came into the store once and he was really cool.  He drew a picture of himself on t-shirt and the owner has it framed and hanging on the wall.  It was an awesome experience and we took photos and had a lot of fun.  

The Shirt

Three down and one to go!  I could have ended my day right then and there but it was only 1PM and there was so much more stuff to do and I was pretty sure we would eventually attend Fancy School. 

Walking around Greenwich Village is pretty nifty and Lola was up to date on all her NYC historical facts and as well  fun tidbits of information.  I was just having a ball listening to someone who has lived in New York for 12 years and was dressed like a total tourist point out all this interesting shit that she had stored in her head.  I had forgotten how much she could talk and I totally enjoyed every moment of it.   I mentioned before that Lola  is a dog lover,  I mean she loves all animals but she REALLY loves dogs.  I love them too but probably not nearly as much as she does.  When Lola sees a dog on the street she feels a great need to stop and talk to the dog and that is just so amazing and wonderful to me.  She takes the time to say hello to these little furry creatures and each one of them appreciates her for it.  They just want to be loved and given a lot of attention and Lola is the perfect person to do this. Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets so we had to stop and pet every single dog we saw on the street whether we wanted to or not.  I myself was on the hunt for hookers or bums.  I didn't want to pet them, I just wanted to see live ones for the sake of seeing them.  Like when folks who aren't from Pennsylvania come to visit and they want to look at the Amish.  It's an experience for them just like me seeing hookers and bums or even crazy people is an experience for me.

I like crazy people, I feel at home with them.  New York is full of crazy people but on this day I think they were all in hiding.   I love to see folks in interesting costumes talking to themselves or making grand gestures or just dancing to music that only they can hear.  I can totally relate to these people.  If I didn't have a fear of being locked in a confined space I too would be dancing in the streets to music I could only hear or carrying on a conversation with The Invisible.  It is not even an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" situation, it's that most sane people are a tad bit boring.  They go about their business and their routine and never have time to just act a little silly for no reason at all.  I too thrive on my own routine but there is silliness involved in it.   At this point in the day the only "crazy" person I saw was a woman sitting on stoop hunched over looking rather disheveled with a cell phone in one hand and the other hand meekly stretched out as she rocked back and forth mumbling, "spare change, spare change for food please, spare change. . ."  Normally I am a sucker for something like that because I know first hand what it is to do without food.  During non-pay weeks I am eating mostly celery and popcorn and occasionally I snag left over fruit or vegetables from the lunch cart at work.  I don't complain and I certainly don't ask for handouts.  However, I would have given this lady a few dollars if I had it but I didn't so I marched on.  That lady has been on my mind ever since and I sure hope someone was able to help her.

We toured two museums, The Forbes Gallery and The Morrison Hotel.  Guess which one I dug the most?  Yes, wall to wall photos and merchandise of rock musicians and I was in a bit of heaven.  Mainly impressed by the by the Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan display but totally jazzed about the incense they were burning.  When you're broke, incense is a luxury and had they had some for sale I would have used the debit card to obtain that luxury as another Birthday present for myself.  Birds smell bad and the incense covers the smell AND it makes the Morelocks upstairs angry because they think the odor will harm the birds.  Dummies!  Febreeze harms the birds not incense. Avocados will terminate their existence.  Trust me, I did my research.

No hookers or bums in sight but Snapple sure flows a plenty in the Big Apple.  I can't recall a time I have ever seen so many places that sold Snapple and at various prices that were a bit obscene to me.  We walked a lot and got sweaty until Lola came up with a plan to go to Staten Island that involved us getting on a bus.  I myself would have loved to have stood around waiting for the Cash Cab.  I know you don't find The Cash Cab, it finds you but, still I would have enjoyed that journey.  The money would nice but I just want to answer the questions.  I love trivia and trivia game shows.  Perhaps my favorite trivia show was a program that aired weeknights back in 1997 on the Lifetime channel called DEBT.  At the time I could never understand how these contestants racked up so much debt in their personal lives in order to be this show.  Now having lived life a bit longer, I get it.  I am so sad that show no longer exists.  I was a faithful viewer for the 2 years it was on television and I never answered a question incorrectly.  Am I a genius?  No, I am more like Rain Man.  I hear a bit of trivia once and I remember it.  If I ever lose my memory I hope someone is kind enough to put me to sleep.  I am nothing without my memory.

Enjoying my 4th Snapple in New York we boarded a bus to head to the Staten Island Ferry.  The ride was a gas!  We talked about all kinds of shit and at one point Lola informed me that I was evil because I told her and the other ladies that when you're an ugly kid you need to be nice to people.  These aren't my rules, there are societies rules.  When you don't look the same as the others you need to find something to make yourself fit in.  As a child I got by with my sense of humor and it still works today.  I guess I should have elaborated more when I made that statement.  I don't mind being called evil because deep down inside I do sometimes have these awful thoughts so I  guess I do have a touch of evil.  WHO CARES!?!!!

We passed the Merrill Lynch Bull and everyone was touching his nuts.  That kind of stuff does not impress me.  Wall Street YAWN, not my thing.  What impresses me is all the movies that were made in this area.  That kind of shit is cool to me.  Touching a bull statues nuts, not so impressive.  Yet some travel many miles just to do this in the hopes of this statue bringing them some prosperity.  Kind of like the Catholics who see the image of the Blessed Mother in a melted ice cream puddle on the sidewalk.  They all flock to it in the hopes that good fortune will come their way.  I admire them for having so much faith in melted ice cream puddles because it seems to make them more optimistic about the shitty hand they've been dealt in life.  I don't have such faith but I sure have a lot of doubt and that's why I am where I am today. 

I give New Yorkers credit for their ingenuity.  If there is a buck to be made, they will find a way.  This was certainly true outside of the Staten Island Ferry.  It's a stinky hot day and the town is full of sweaty tourists, sweaty thirsty tourists so these ingenious New Yorkers break out their wagons and baby carriages and fill them with bottles of water and attempt to sell them to the sweaty thirsty masses.  It works!  One fellow even claimed he had water for men and he had water for women to which I replied "What about hermaphrodites?"  Bottle water should be all inclusive, it's the Christian American way I tell you.  

We entered the building to board the ferry and it was full of people and one amazing fish tank.  Oh how I love fish., they are such beautiful creatures that I sometimes envy.  The swim and swim all day long and just look so peaceful.  Fish, like humans spend their day trying to survive being eaten by the larger more powerful fish but they do it in such a beautiful way.  They are not rude, sloppy glutenous bags of gas pushing their way through the day, they glide and flow with the water and they seem so serene.   I thought it would be much nicer to swim with the fish to Staten Island rather than take the ferry over. So as we pushed our way onto the ferry I discovered something really nifty, they have toilets on the ferry.  This made me wonder where the waste went and the more I thought about the more I was happy that were on the ferry and not swimming in the water.

The older I get the more emotional I become about simple things that most folks take for granted.  So as I stood on the deck with Taffy, Lola and Sassafras I was over come with some emotions about just how beautiful that moment was.  Looking out and seeing New York, other boats, the Statue of Liberty, and just feeling so small on this planet. It was a breath taking moment for me and I felt that lump in my throat I get when I watch Hallmark Card commercials.  I almost cried. Almost.  Then I was snapped back into reality when Lola had Gus's cell phone* in her hand that was dangling over the railing and I feared she might drop it.  Small things like that cause me and Taffy to panic.  I don't worry about crossing busy streets and perhaps being run over by a bus but I do worry about objects being dangled over railings.  It's scary stuff I tell you.  Lola did not understand our concern and got a real giggle out of the whole situation.   

*(The cell phone Lola currently uses was found outside in the winter snow.  Apparently it belonged to some drug dealer named Gus.  So Lola refers to her phone as Gus's Cell Phone.)

We made it safely to Staten Island and we hung out there for a bit and then caught the ferry back to New York.  This time we sat on a bench on our way back instead of a standing on the deck.  I ran into another issue I have, flip flops.  I am not a fan of that footwear.  I wear flip flops to walk around the house in when I don't feel like wearing socks and shoes but I don't wear flip flops outside of the home.  You can't walk fast in flip flops and you can't run either, so if a murderer would be chasing you and you had on flip flops you basically would be doomed.  There was a whole family on the ferry and they were wearing flip flops. FLIP FLOPS IN NEW YORK!!  New York is a place where you need to walk a little faster than usual in order to keep up with the crowd.  flip flops slow you down so this family really bothered me.  I had to look away or else I would continue to worry about the flip flop family and how they would get off of the ferry without being trampled to death.   At this moment I was also feeling really diabetic and in need of some food and that is why I was having all these silly thoughts about railings and flip flops.  It had been about 7 hours since The Pancakes and I was in need of some fruit or a salad real fast!  Lola was kind enough to buy me a banana once we got off of the ferry.  It hit the spot a little and that was good.  We stopped off in the restroom and while I was washing my hands a delightful young lady came up to me and said, "I don't know if you know this or not but The Monkees. . ."  and before she could finish her sentence I finished it for her, "will be performing at Coney Island on Thursday night.  I know this but thank you very much."  She smiled very pleasantly and went about her business.  When it comes to The Monkees I don't like to be told what I already know.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful to that young lady or anyone else for that matter but, if I know it I will tell you about it.  If I don't know it then you may tell me and believe me there isn't much I don't know about The Monkees.   Now you are all wondering how that young lady knew I was Monkees fan.  I would like to say that I just appear to be a big fan and she could feel my groovy Monkees vibe but this was not the case this time.  I was wearing a Monkees t-shirt, the shirt I bought at the concert, and it was a dead giveaway.   Then I thought how funny it would be to just randomly walk up to people and tell them things you thought might benefit them.  In New York this might get you killed or severely hurt so your best bet would be to do it in a mall or wal-mart where folks aren't so clever or are more fearful.  Since I don't go to either of those places I doubt I will ever have a chance to do this. bummer.

More walking and talking and then a young lady with a rather thick accent, I'm guessing  she is from Poland just because I want to guess that she is from Poland, asked us where "the pool" was located or where something that sounded like "the pool" was located.  No one in our little party of four understood her at first but then I guessed she was saying "the bull" since his nuts are like a mecca for these folks.  Also I work with a lot of children with speech impediments so I am used to playing "Guess What The Fuck I Am Saying To You."  It's taken me a few years to become an expert at this game but now I am a brilliant contestant.  Ding, ding, ding, I was right and off she trotted with her brood to touch the nuts.  She'd have better luck shaking the hand of a chimney sweep but I wasn't going to rain on her parade.  We had more important things to do like walk around Wall Street and try to find a working subway train.  Folks were taking pictures of buildings and pictures of their friends and family members in front of these buildings. If felt like high school prom night and I was ready to get the hell out of there until we came across the New York Stock Exchange and that peaked my interest only because a scene from the movie Trading Places was filmed there.  I even said in what I thought was a hushed whisper, "Eddie Murphy walked this street."  but Sassafras heard me and giggled.  It wasn't meant as a joke, I was just excited.  Bill Murray also walked these streets and that made me uber happy because I LOVE BILL MURRAY.  Then the moment was crushed when I remembered that Charlie Sheen's feet also touched the ground we were walking on and I just don't care much for that person.  Poor Martin! 

We left Dante's 8th level of hell and descended into the 9th level also know as the subway. It was hot as balls in that place waiting for a train and finally one arrived.  It was like jumping from the oven into the freezer in a matter of seconds and again my mind went to that flip flop family on the ferry.  How could they get on the train wearing flip flops?  What if one fell off as they were hopping on?  I hate to think about it.  Lola gave us a tutorial about how the human body is a mess and how ladies should not cross their legs because it's bad for their knees and a whole bunch of other stuff. As usual it was very informative and entertaining.  When we finally arrived at our destination  and Taffy told us of a nice little Thai place where we could eat and that sounded lovely.  It was a quaint little place that played really shitty music but we were there to eat so I tried my best to block the awful music out.  After dinner the ladies got desserts from place next door called Dessert Truck.  I opted to wait outside because this place was just not my scene. 

As the sun began to go down I realized we would never make it to Fancy School today and tomorrow would be my final attempt at having  Lola accept me as her niece on the facebook.  I was desperate at this point because as you know facebook is such an important part of my life. ( yeah, I'm a smart ass.)  Seriously, I did not want this day to end because it was so much fun just basically doing nothing but hanging out and taking in the sights.  It was like an episode of Seinfeld to me in some ways.  I have no clue what the other ladies were feeling but that is what I was feeling at the moment.  We walked some more and stumbled across the building where Taffy works.  She works for a well known group but the building was incognito and that made it an even cooler place to work in my eyes.  Across the street we saw a sight that was so perfect and wonderful that it was THE photo op of the whole trip.

A lonely bear in a store front window.  The bear symbolizes the loneliness one can feel in a big city or the bear could symbolize the economic and political issues of our times.  Or the it could just be a fucking bear in the window of a photography studio.  I am going with the third option.  We all stood gazing at the bear wondering if it were a person in a bear costume or a just a stuffed bear.  I had a flash of a tune by Public Restroom in which Castle Boy sang about putting on his bear suit and jumping out of a closet  to scare a young lass and then thoughts turned to All in the Family in which Edith was going through the change of life and she said "I hate bears!"  A classic episode indeed.  With thoughts of the bear dancing in our heads we loaded into Lola's car and headed to Queens to take Taffy home.  The conversation became hilarious as Sassafras was sharing tidbits of her amazing and interesting past with Lola and Taffy.  My ears listened but my mind was thinking of how I needed to get a second job so I could save up enough money to not only leave the Anne Frank Room  but to make a return visit to New York.  Maybe I could work 3 jobs.

We hung out at Taffy's pad for a while and I was thrilled to finally see the Magic Closet.  There is a door in the wall that leads to a closet.  The door is positioned much higher than a regular closet door so I dubbed that closet the Magic Closet.  It makes sense to me. Taffy's place is filled with so many interesting things and she collects Blythe Dolls.  I find those dolls to be endearing and slightly magically.  Lola was creeped out by them and I just find that to be funny.  She reminds me of those people who are scared of clowns and it gave me a giggle.  My fears run a lot deeper than clowns or dolls,  my fear is of those animated Christmas trees that sing Christmas tunes.  That to me is just plain creepy and I can hear the folks in China laughing their asses off right about now.  Another thing I am afraid of or was a afraid of at the moment of our first encounter was Walter.  Walter is a head of a dead boar that Taffy's father purchased at an auction just to freak her out when she was 16.  I am not going to say the man is sick but he is definitely twisted.

Since leaving Taffy's place I have grown to accept Walter because I know he brings some sort of joy to Taffy's husband and I like her husband, he's pretty groovy.  I also accept Walter because I don't live to with him!

I wanted to fall asleep on the ride home because I was so very tired but I wanted to stay awake so I could see Sam.  Remember Sam the dog?  I fell in love with Sam.  When we arrived back at Lola's Palace, Pete's party was jumping.  All I wanted to do was waste a little money with Sassafras but even that moment was ruined by some stoned Rastafarian looking dude who told us not to smoke cigarettes because it would give us long teeth.  He handed us a plate of hooey that he was in the Gulf War.  Yeah maybe the war between the Gulf gas station and the local head shop to see who had the best rolling papers.  However I was not in the mood to debate and I listened with such false sincerity but not quite  a Golden Globe-worthy performance.   However this fellow wouldn't even know the difference and I really didn't care.  I was just enjoying a moment in the life of a  Freak Magnet.  Yes, the freaks come out at night and somehow they all seem to flock to me.  Perhaps my socks are an open invite of some sort but I'm not so sure.  It just happens all the time and whether I like it on not, I have learned to live with it.
,
Wind down time was a good time and Sam is such a loving little pooch.  Everyone went to bed but Lola and I stayed up and watched a 22year old VHS tape of her community theater production of The Wizard of Oz.  This is how Lola and I met and I was loving this moment.  Maybe she didn't get a big kick out of it but I sure did.  To be watching a show you did with the director and you remember more shit about the show than the director does is a bit surreal but interesting and fun all at the same time.  A flood of memories came back and I was just having a ball.  I guess out of everything that had transpired on this day, this very moment was my favorite.   I ended up getting to sleep some time after 1AM and waking up close to 6AM and believe it or not I slept well.   I wrote out some postcards and got ready for the day ahead of us.  I didn't care what we were doing as long as we were together that is all that made me happy.  It was also fan-fucking-tastic to yet again not be shaken from my slumber by the sound of screeching and tweeting birds.  Those Damn Birds are a nuisance I tell you, a fucking nuisance!!!!  If I were truly evil I would have murdered them all by now.  That's why Rasputia won't move the birds to the lower level of the snake pit because she thinks I will kill them. I will let her go on thinking that way for as long as I am stuck in this shit hole!

Somehow we ended up in Brighton Beach where the Russians live.  It was okay and we ate in one of those cash only restaurants that have no clue what vegetarians call a salad.  It's not worth fighting this fight anymore because the restaurant world will never know what a real salad is so I will stay at home and make my own.   I have heard tales of the unfriendly Brighton Beach Russians but unfortunately I didn't have a chance to really experience them. Perhaps in the sequel that dream will become a reality.  I can't recall the topics of conversation going on around me or in the car ride to meet Jazz Man for lunch because my mind was focused on issues back home and trying to figure out why one visit by a doctor in the hospital was going to cost me $672.30 when all he did was just ask me a few questions.  Maybe he was on a mission to New York for The Pancakes.  A whole summer's worth perhaps.  Who knows, but the older I get the less and less respect I have for someone who tells me they are a doctor.  Dr. Hiram Baker is the only REAL doctor in this world as far as I am concerned.   I try not to think of money woes as often as I can but for some reason those thoughts just pop up like a pimple during the wrong time.   Oh well, on to Di Fara's. 


I have heard so many good things about this pizza joint Di Fara's, that I thought it was about time I finally checked it out.  I have never been a huge pizza fan because I was never a huge lover or cheese.  However in the past 3 years something strange has happened, I started to like cheese. I don't crave the shit but I don't pass on an opportunity to eat it.  I know it is not a very healthy choice, but sometimes it is rather tasty.  So fuck the healthy shit!  Pizza is good too, REALLY good.  I prefer pizza without sauce and I know that sounds odd but pizza sauce has too much sugar in it and I get sick to my stomach if I eat too much of it.  However, if I balance out my diabetic day I am able to enjoy pizza with sauce.  That is just what was going on this very day for me and I was ready for Di Fara's.

People always seem to remember where they were during historical events.  They remember where they were when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor or when they heard JFK was shot,  they remember what they were doing when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon or when they heard Freaks and Geeks was cancelled.  I will always remember where I was when I ate the best pizza on the planet.  I was sitting in the very back left hand corner of Di Fara's Pizza the moment I tasted pizza perfection.  Dom De Marco is a pizza GOD! 




Perhaps it's the fresh basil. . .

  I don't know what he does to make that shit taste so good but I hope he never stops.   One darling person I know told me "Di Fara's is like sex, with cheese."  and she is correct.  Of course now all pizza has been ruined for me and I don't crave it so much anymore.  In some ways that could be a blessing is disguise for me since cheese goes directly to a woman's hips.  I don't want cheese hips!  I can only sum up my Di Fara's visit with this, if someone told me I had one week to live, I would take out a bank loan and spend the week eating nothing but Di Fara's Pizza.  It even rivals macaroni and cheese pancakes at Shopsin's.

**Check out this link please!**
http://kottke.org/10/10/di-fara-pizza-documentary 


The New York Experience was about to end for me and Sassafras and I was a little sad about that.  I wasn't even at all jazzed to return home for my Birthday the next day.  "Return home to what?!!" I thought as we headed to the train station.  Sure I had a few adventures planned for my vacation week but none could compare to what I had experienced in this very short 48 hours.  A sweaty and crowded train ride home with the adventures still fresh in my brain and only 2 cold Snapples and some cold Di Fara's pizza wrapped in foil  thanks to the very thoughtful Jazz Man to give me any sort of comfort.  As silly as it may sound to all those world travelers out there, this was a memorable journey for me on so many levels.  When I return to this magical land known as New York it won't be the same as it once was but then again it will be a whole new journey with many new memories and hopefully some hookers and bums.   I don't have the chance to see that many live and in person and for some odd reason that makes me sad. I also did not see Bill Murray on the streets of New York.  I invited him in my head but he never showed, I guess he had a golf game this weekend.  


off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!