Anyone who knows me knows that I get a really thrill and chuckle out of politics. The thrill part comes from me being fascinated about how it all works and the chuckle comes from knowing how it all works. I feel a twinge of excitement as an election draws near and I also feel nauseous too. I don't care much for political ads and that's just because I hate commercials. However, I don't mind an entertaining infomercial every now and then. The recent broadcast of the RNC and the DNC were major infomercials. As far as entertainment value goes, the RNC gave me only one huge laugh and the DNC gave me several thrills and one very touching moment. Clint Eastwood and the Empty Chair performance was hilarious! While I did not agree with what he was saying, I thought he did an fantastic job of making Romney and Ryan feel incredibly uncomfortable and he was just funny. I am still of fan of Mr. Eastwood and I respect him for his body of work, I just don't care for his politics. The DNC speeches were good. I have always been a fan of Elizabeth Warren and I loved her speech. I also loved listening to what Michelle Obama had to say and then there was Bill. Bill Clinton needs to give more speeches just like Neil Patrick Harris needs to host all the important awards shows. Hell, Willie needs to go on tour. I'd be in the audience for that performance. I was moved to tears when Gabby Giffords said the Pledge of Allegiance, and anyone watching who did not have a smile on their face after that really has no heart. So yeah, I dig political events. I am smart enough to know that as one friend pointed out, they're just one big pep rally. He doesn't like pep rallies, and fortune cookies are dead to him.
Pep rally or not, I enjoy the excitement in the air at a political event. So when Lola invited me to volunteer for an event over Labor Day weekend I said "YES, I CAN!" . Lola is what I consider the heart and soul of politics in my town, and she doesn't even live here. She doesn't even live in this state, but it is her home state and she will do all she can to make sure folks in this little village get out and vote on election day. As some of my faithful readers know, Lola is really awesome and outrageous. I would even say she is more outrageous than Jem, and Jem is outrageous. She's truly, truly outrageous.
I was told that Joe Biden was going to pay a visit to our little village and that was kind of nifty. I had a 50% chance of meeting Mr. Biden and my reaction was much the same as when I met Captain Kangaroo when I was 5. "Oh, okay." I loved Captain Kangaroo, but let's face it, he's not Bill Murray or one of The Monkees. So the level of excitement was fairly mellow, and the meeting was just okay. The thought of meeting Joe Biden was about the same. Now if I had a chance to meet Barack that might be a bit more exciting, but I REALLY would love to sit down with Michelle for an hour or two. She is the first First Lady in the history of First Ladies to just be so very down to earth and awesome. Jackie O. had style, but she was too composed for my taste. Hilary is a much better politician than a person in my book, and believe it or not, I liked Laura Bush. She was married to a real twit, but she seemed like a nice Southern lady who makes a good pie and has interesting tales to tell. But Michelle, well, Michelle is my girl! Her whole approach to staying healthy is very inspiring to someone who struggles with trying to stay healthy daily.
However, the gig was all about Joe, and it was a chance to do something I had never done before. It all sounded groovy to me. I was told there would be a secret meeting at a secret location and a secret time with the keepers of all secrets, The Secret Service. When I informed friends and "family" members of my involvement with this event there seemed to a re-occurring theme in their words. Basically, I was told "Behave yourself!" REALLY!?!! Am I that bad that I need to be told by folks to behave myself. I am after all a legal adult. So what if I am prone to giggle a bit during serious situations. Humor is how I deal with everything in my life. Shit, if I didn't have a sense of humor I would have died years ago. I should have felt insulted, but instead I just laughed about being told to behave myself. "Fuck them! I will do what I want to do!", was the attitude I carried for days prior to this event. However, as the event drew closer I had to rethink that whole attitude of mine. So many things were going on in my head, and I had visions of being dragged off to some secret holding cell but the Secret Service because I giggled when I should have been serious. I had visions of being on the evening news as the girl who made too many wisecracks or getting in big ass trouble for doing my whole Biden "UNCHAIN WALL STREET" impersonation.
As we approached the secret location at the secret hour for the secret meeting with the Secret Service the night before the big event all I kept hearing in my head was, "Behave yourself." Hell, I even heard the TV People telling me that. It was starting to creep me out when Jin and Sun from L O S T were speaking Korean to me. I knew I had to get a grip and just relax. I could have popped a Xanax, but I knew things would not end well if I did that. Instead I went to my Happy Place and played it cool. I was so cool, it was if Jeff Lebowski had taken over my body.
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| Lola painted this lovely sign. |
We, being me and Mr. Fortune Cookies Are Dead To Me, entered the secret meeting and there was not one single Secret Service person to be found. I felt kind of ripped off at this point. It's like if there is a meeting and punch and pie is advertised but there isn't any punch and pie. What a bummer. We sat behind Lola and some of her old high school friends. Lola looks really young for her age, and perhaps that is because of her attitude towards life. Her old high school friends are nice people, but they did not age as well as she did. It was weird seeing her chatting with these grown-ups. Really weird. The secret meeting began and we were told what would take place during the Biden Show. Then they started asking for volunteers to play the different roles in this show. Dead Fortune Cookie Man and I just sat back and waited. I don't think he was really thrilled about the pep rally. Finally we were told that we would be part of the Line Team. I had no clue what that really meant. The sensible side of me figured we would be assisting folks that would be standing in line for this event. In my head I thought we'd be doing lines of cocaine off someones tokus, and that is just gross.
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| Without my glasses this sign reads "Bed Knocks". |
We were led out into a lobby by Derrick the Dick. Words came out of his mouth, but I was not really interested in what he had to say. Then I was tapped on the shoulder by a lady who said she needed some folks to be a part of the Press Team. I just heard the word "press" and visions of Brian Williams and Jon Stewart began to dance in my head. For some strange reason I also saw Wink Martindale. I don't know what that was all about. We went with the lady who said she was our"Captain", and 3 other folks joined us. They seemed nice except for Annoying Harry Potter Girl. Was she 12? She sure did act like it. I could tell by the look on Fortune Cookie Hater's face that he was not thrilled with this chick. Later it was confirmed by both of us. We did not like Annoying Harry Potter Girl. I was thinking of ways to avoid her during the show on Sunday. You see, when someone annoys me it just brings out a mean side of me. The unkind comments just flow out of my mouth. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I also didn't want her cast some nerdy Harry Potter spell on me. I knew I just needed to avoid her as much as I could.
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| Preparing for the Biden Show. |
The moon was rather full as we headed home that evening, and I knew I would not get much sleep because I was starting to get excited. It wasn't quite the same excitement I feel on Christmas Eve or before a Monkees concert, but I was still excited. I mean, anyone who is on Team Obama and would be working at this type of event should feel some sort of excitement.
Sunday came and we headed off to the Biden Show. All the cast members and stage crew met outside and then it hit me, our "Captain" was a Secret Service Agent. Unlike the night before, she was dressed all official and her outfit was officially boring complete with the ear piece. All those boring fuckers we saw the night before setting the stage were Secret Service. Even Hot Borat Guy. Oh, I feel rather hard for Hot Borat Guy. He looked like a young Sacha Baron Cohen but not as gawky and he was clean shaven and much better looking. Maybe it was his height or his dreamy eyes that reminded me of Mr. Cohen. The night before he was lifting heavy objects and putting them back down like most men should. Today he was dressed in a suit with an ear piecein his lovely ear and looking particular tasty to me. In my head I heard a few Damien Rice tunes and I had to tell myself to focus.
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| SPADE! |
Then our little group of Press Wranglers were gathered together and told by the Secret Service Captain that we had "the most important job of all." We had to make sure the Press stayed where they belonged. There was a special area for the Press and if they got out of hand, we had to wrangle them back to the Press Corral. I began to feel really important at this point or at least I pretended to be important. Everyone in our little group was given their special duties for the day. I was told that I would be "eyes", because the Secret Service needed an extra pair. It's a good thing I wore my glasses.
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| I was a hell of a lot more tougher than these clowns. |
I watched all the people in line outside waiting to get in to see the Biden Show. I saw Lola on the lawn being her Lola self and getting interviewed by the press. She sure puts on a good show. I was getting a little bored after a while waiting for the Press to do something wrong just so there would be some action. Although I am not a fan of guns, I was waiting to see guns drawn and hear loud voices while some meek little news reporter began shitting his pants and feeling regrets over bringing a small baggie of confectioners sugar with him for the Funnel Cake Party he was attending later in the day. Hey, it could happen. However, it only happened in my head and it was pretty fantastic.
It was time to move inside and away from the outdoor Snore Fest. Inside the place was booming! A high school band was playing and they were really loud. I understand why the high school marching band was there, but I think the pre-show would have been better if they played pre-recording music or hired an awesome band. Actually, I think Chris Rock should have been on stage warming up the crowd. But, it was a Sunday and the event was in a school with an all ages crowd and Mr. Rock is more of a Mature Audiences Only type of performer.
Finally someone stepped on stage and then it was speech after speech from well, a set of real no names in my humble opinion. I mean, they are important at the local political level, but after almost 5 hours of waiting around and being eyes for the Secret Service I was just ready for the main event. I almost shouted, "RELEASE THE BIDEN!" I kind just uttered it under my breath. My blood sugar was getting low, but I held it together. Then just as I was about to give up, something happened. My Captain gave me some orders and I had to do my duty. I had to make sure the lowly peasant civilians out in the lobby moved aside because something important was about to happen. Would The Biden walk by me and be within arms reach? That would be cool. I took my new duty seriously and made sure the folks stood back behind the barrier. That barrier was me. Yep, goofy old me with my arms stretched out so no one could get past me. There was one trouble maker and she tried to get past me several times. Finally I politely said to her in my best teacher voice, "I understand your are excited, but you need to stand back and behave yourself because the Secret Service are watching your every move." She did not look happy, but fuck her. Kooky broad. No sooner than I said that, something interesting happened. Major Network Press arrived on the scene and filed past me. It sounded just like this in my head. . .
The entourage was lead by 3 Secret Service Brothers decked out in fancy suits complete with sunglasses, ear pieces, and black attache cases. It was AWESOME! I watched them walk in one by one, NBC, CNN, C-SPAN, CBS, ABC, fox, and a few others that were unidentifiable. I knew The Biden had landed.
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| "I don't need you booing folks, I need you voting." |
The joint was finally jumping as Biden was introduced and bounded on stage like your fun uncle making a grand entrance at his Birthday party. People were hooting and hollering and I remained calm. I guess this was just a bit more exciting than meeting Captain Kangaroo. He spoke for a total of 18 1/2 minutes. The crowd ate that shit up because what he was saying was really interesting and really good too. At one point this shady looking dude who was kind of an oddball turned to one of the Secret Service Agents and said in a sort of weird creepy way, "He's a genius! I love his wife." At that moment I did something I normally don't do. I prayed to God to make me not laugh out loud and draw unnecessary attention to myself. Well, God must have heard me or perhaps Joe Biden did because he said something funny and I was able to release my inner laughter. I began observing the oddball and realized something was not right with him. As my mother would say, "he is not wrapped too tight." Later that same oddball told me that I was a genius. I looked him straight in the eyes and said in a very serious tone, "I know."
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| Wearing his beige Member's Only jacket, the Oddball works the crowd. |
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| It is creepy how his jacket was the same color as Joe Biden's jacket. |
As Joe left the stage and the event wound down to idle chatter, I thought about this whole day. It was another exciting adventure in the John Waters film that is my life. It was a good day and for once I actually behaved myself. Well . . .
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| almost. |
Off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!
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