why?

day 859

I haven't been in the mood to post anything in 3months.  Oh, believe me, I have a lot to say on a variety of topics.  So much has happened in the past 3 months, and I was gearing up for a full blown rant this weekend.  I was going to tell the story of Rasputia being voted off the island and share the tales of woe since that wonderful miracle.  Oh boy, oh boy, did I have some good things to rant about and of course share my thoughts on things such as the Fiscal Cliff, seeing Mike Nesmith live and in person performing with the remaining Monkees ( a dream come true), Barry and Biden Abide for 4 more years, and the delightful story of The War on Christmas 2012.   However, something more important than my  own personal joys and my self created drama occurred and I am finding it difficult to remain silent.  Just like a lot of folks, the shooting in Connecticut Friday morning has been on my mind.  It's mind blowing. Fucking mind blowing!  I am feeling more anger than sorrow today for obvious reasons.  If those reasons are not obvious to you then you must be like Hymie the Robot from Get Smart.   I am not going to talk about guns because if you know me, then you must know how I feel about guns and have always felt about guns.  I had a very difficult time handling a prop gun for a play I was in back in high school.  Guns aren't my thing.  The only practical use for a gun would be in a zombie apocalypse because hitting Walkers with a hammer isn't a good idea.  You have get close to them and well, they could bite you.  Then where would you be.  Personally, I am tired of the 2nd amendment argument I hear from the gun toters and the NRA members.  The constitution was written so very long ago by men in power who wore wigs and hosiery.   Our founding fathers didn't envision the kind of shit that went down on Friday morning when they agreed on a right to bear arms.  Changes should have been made to that piece of paper many, many years ago so we could avoid this type of senseless tragedy, in my humble opinion. 

I am pretty pissed off, and I am also sad because this shit hits close to home.  I love children, I work with children and I am a great advocate for the child. I would rather spend time with children than grown ups most days.  Maybe it's because I am on the same level as children.   Part of me never grew up, and trust me, this is a very good thing.  So when someone fucks up and harms the most innocent of our species I get angry; like Lewis Black level of anger.  What makes me really angry is I honestly don't know who to blame for this anger.  In my heart I just cannot blame the shooter because I feel sadness for him.  I know that sounds weird and borderline insane to a lot of folks, but I can't help how I feel.  The dude obviously had a lot of issues and no one seemed to be able to reach him. That makes me very frustrated.   I can't blame his mother because I don't know the lady, and I don't know if she tried to get him help.  I know nothing of what her life and her son's life was like prior to his breaking point.  As someone who suffers from a mental illness I can totally relate to the feelings of despair and loneliness as well as anger.  However, if I am going to do harm to anyone,  I would do it to myself.  There have been times when I thought about doing harm to Ann Coulter, but I just want to kick her, not kill her.  I guess I could be pissed off at god, but then there is that whole issue which is my own personal inner struggle; does god exist?  My sane rational side tells me god is just a mythical character created by man.  Oh boy, are there some interesting stories about that guy.  Talk about anger.  OY VEY!   However, my Catholic up bringing (cough-cough. gag!) tells me that there must be a god because Father Fracchi said so.   Of course that guy wore a long dress and a cape and scared the living shit out of me with his loud sermons, so I don't know if I should believe him or not.   Well, whatever I want to believe this week I am not going to spend my time debating the existence of god with myself.  I guess the best that I can do, that we all can do is just spend time with the ones we love and let them know that we love them.  I will continue to do my best to keep my children happy and safe.   I must  talk about my anger and sadness and not keep it inside like I normally do.   I doubt any of us will ever get the answer to the big question; why.  We just need to endure. 




off to enjoy another sunny, SUNNY day!